Men, Tongues, and Swords.

An excerpt from my 2014 journal that I was reading today;
My own words, not someone else's. My misguided emotions strung along on lies and accusations. Men.
Men.
Confusion wells up until it reaches my throat. I don't know of many men. Mostly just little boys. Children.
Unaware of their actions and the consequences that are sure to follow.
Men.
Flawless and imperfect. A conundrum. Not I.
Just one....Sit here. Don't leave me to my solitude. My longing heart.
Embrace me. Provide me a wall of force to block out the world's misdemeanors.
Let tenderness leak out from the great strength of protective barriers.
Softly. For I fear too easily.
Gently. For I dread to quickly.
Fondness and fearfulness are synonymous. For the vulnerability of my desire is hampered by the control it has taken.

You could hurt me, Beloved.

With the blow of one word. Or the edge of one glance.
You entrance me with a power to which there is no immunity.
Your words like rain are harmless and pleasant unless accompanied by the wind that is your anger, which swiftly turns violent.
The bite of your words like stones against my skin.
And these gentle drops of quenching moisture turn to instruments of torture that engage the devils surrounding me.

Proverbs 12:8
"There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing."

It's Fall, ladies and gentlemen! I love fall. I love the colors. The smells. The general energy of people is just refreshing. It's that in-between season that everybody loves. They get to change  their wardrobe up a bit, Pumpkin Spice Lattes come out (That, alone, would be a good enough reason to call Fall my favorite season), the leaves change but the grass is still green. I feel like there's so much packed into this short (very short in Colorado) season!
      I'm currently at my office, looking out the window and there are 4 trees I can see from my seat that are all changing. But they aren't all changing the same. They aren't even changing in a similar cycle! One of them is small. The green leaves on it are randomly changing into a sunshine yellow. And then to my right, an even smaller tree. It's forest-green leaves are changing to a deep orange-red- but only on the right side. Primarily where the sun hits it. Then we have the littlest tree in the distance. It's turned to a beautiful honey-yellow with just one or two orange leaves.
      Then we have my favorite. The maple. A beautiful big tree with deep red leaves. It was the first to change. It's also the fullest tree. It just simply brings me happiness. I'm constantly hearing people complain about the fact that the days are growing shorter, it's colder, it's gonna be "ugly" all the time. Though some of those are legitimate, let's think about all the wonderful things that come from fall! For instance, no more dry-hot days that spark fires. The excitement of snowy days and making chocolate chip cookies whilst drinking cocoa. The movie White Christmas. The changing of the leaves! The opportunity to wear navy on your nails. Happy happy! Scarves. Mittens. Coziness. I LOVE FALL. There's really nothing deep about this blog. Just remember that there is beauty in every season. No matter what negativities may loom- there's still color in the leaves or crisp snow on the ground. It's easy to look past the cold when you can see those things. And \another thing- Seasons are really wonderful when they're time comes and goes as planned. It's when those seasons drag on that it gets annoying. Kind of like life, yeah? We love the changes until we're used to it. So let's just learn to enjoy it. Find the beauty in every time and you will NEVER dislike a season. 

Enjoy this!

XOXO

From walls to water

Highs and lows. Friendships and work. Family. Balance. Confusing? YES.

I am sitting in my room alone. For the first time in over a week. I'm alone. I've been running with my friends or I've been working. I'm out till I fall asleep and then wake to work again. It's a mixture of liberation and exhaustion. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it yet. I find myself sad when I'm alone. Also confused when I'm accompanied. Companionship, I'm learning, is a chore as well as a blessing. I read my Bible today, for the first time since returning from Australia. The first verse I read was about God tearing down walls. Grinding them to ash at our knees. I've never been one to have good, honest relationships. They haven't been bad, but neither have they been fruitful. The have simply "been". Why? Walls. I've have put up so many walls that I've created a room. A happy little room where inside it dwells only things I allow and recognize as "good". What a very sad thing it is. What a boring, white and sterile little room. God said he will tear down the walls and they will become ashes.  And I think of this quote;

"There are no constraints on the human mind, no walls around the human spirit, no barriers to our progress except those we ourselves erect."

~Ronald Reagan 

 I also always think of the lotus flower (I know, a tad cliche- Bare with me) The whole excitement over the lotus flower is that it blooms in mud. It's regarded as mystical. It's roots begin in the mud, then slowly it pushes it's way out of the mud and through the water where it blooms in the warm sunshine. That, in my opinion, is how a good, lasting relationship should look. It's starts off a tad rocky, you can't see where you're going. You may not know if you're even growing upwards. But at some point you figure out the sunshine is, indeed, in front of you and you need only push a little further. Then you reach the sunshine. The warm and nutrient sunshine. Then your relationship blossoms.

Now translate that over to a personal level. I, personally, have been through mud this last year. It's only been in the last month or so that I've entered the "water" stage. That's a purifying stage, I think. And I'm still in that. But I'm hoping that very soon, I will propel towards the sunlight. I see rays here and there. But it's fleeting. I want the full-blown heat of the sun. I want to blossom and bloom into the person I was created to be. I want my friendships to bloom in a way that they've never bloomed before. 

The other stellar thing about the lotus flower? It has the potential to overrun it's aquatic environment. Like a boss. Once it reaches the sun, it just soars. It spreads all it's little seeds and they all grow and flourish and soon enough, what once was a muddy lake is covered with beautiful big flowers....Alright. Bring it on. I'm ready. I'm ready for relationships that are real. Raw and difficult. But out of that comes beauty. Out of the mud comes the blossom. That'll be me one day. And I really can't wait. 

The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.

~Jim Rohn 

Life.

I'm at my job. In an office. Learning what it means to have an "adult" job. "Adult" hours. And "Adult" responsibilities. it's boring, it's mundane, it's stressful. There is very little return for an "adult" job, aside from the money. I sat there in a room of stark, white walls, the same music I hear everyday and the faint rustling of the trees outside that I seemingly never get to see, and I thought to myself, Why? Why do we insist on doing things we absolutely hate in order to receive money? I understand needing to provide for your family, pay the bills, etc. But God is the provider. He is also the giver of dreams. And the conductor of life. So, if we let Him, wouldn't he orchestrate something to fit the dreams he's given us, that will also provide? He gave us those dreams for a reason. God doesn't work thoughtlessly. There is a purpose to His plans. And to His gifts! 

Now, granted. This job I believe was a God-send. I needed a good, steady job to get me back on my feet again and earn some money to help pay back my parents, get a car, etc. And I'm still working at it and won't be quitting this job in the next month. But this is for a season. And honestly that's what gets me through the work day. Knowing that this is not going to be for the rest of my life. I sit there in fear sometimes dreading my future if it reassembles anything like this job. I want color, creativity, and LIFE in my life. I want to travel and minister and be the physical hands and feet of God. And yes, I can do that in a chiropractor's office in the Springs. But am I reaching my full potential? Am I reaching MY dreams or am I helping someone else fulfill theirs?

I believe that people are unhappy when they aren't fulfilling their God-given desires and dreams. The most unhappy people I know are in a job, but they start most of there sentences with, "When I was younger I wanted to be a ____________, but life happened". I can't tell you how many people I have heard say this. And it breaks my heart to see the regret and sadness that washes over them when those words leave their mouth. You know they wish they had followed their dreams and not given in to what the world said they had to be. To me, life is exciting! It's God's greatest piece of artwork. He paints our days carefully, with love and laughter. Life is God's greatest gifts thrown into a day. It's culture and people and new beginnings. Each day it's new mercies. New birth. New friendships. New inspiration and ideas! God is NOW. He is new, old and futuristic. Life is learning and exploring!


I want to be successful. I want to achieve and continue dreaming until the day I die. I want to live a life I can be proud of, that has reached many. I want to empower, inspire and invigorate people to reach their fullest potential. I want a store where I can give jobs to people that they will love. A job where it's a family. Where we can come along side each other in good and bad. And a job that can be a stepping stone to someone else's personal dreams! 

My biggest role models have been Walt Disney and Audrey Hepburn for seeing the unseen, creativity and beauty in the world. And they believed in people. That's the kind of person I want to be. They didn't care about obstacles that the world put in their way, instead they saw it as an opportunity to better themselves.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.

Audrey Hepburn 

When you believe in a thing, believe in it all the way, implicitly and unquestionable.

Walt Disney  

I'm Thankful. It's my birthday :)

Today's my birthday. Naturally on my birthday it causes me to look back and reminisce about the past year, major events, sad moments, moments of gratitude  happiness....My 18th year has been filled with those. More than any other year I would say. I've never had so many exciting, life-filled moments. I've also never shed so many tears. I left the country for the first time this year, lived without my family, made new friends, changed my lifestyle several times....tasted my first oyster...I still can't decide if it was good or bad. I also got into a car accident, was confronted with severe panic attacks, anxiety and fear. Was ripped from my comfort zone and thrown to the fire....I was also rescued from the fire. Motivated into action by the fear. Forced to address lies I had been believing.

So much! I feel that I've lived a whole life in this one year. I am thankful and a little bit apprehensive of what this next year will hold. But for right now, I'm abiding in the promise that God has my life in His hands. I am not to worry about tomorrow. I am to enjoy this day. This celebration of life. I've never held my birthday in such honor until this year. Life. I could have been steps away from death. God gave me life. He chooses every day to protect and breath life. Every single day. Every moment. I am so grateful and in complete awe of God's desire to give us life.



I'm also so thankful for my sister. I am one of the few people who is blessed with a twin. A person who will understand you better than anyone. Granted, sometimes too well. And sometimes not as much as we'd like. But ultimately, your best friend, sister, comrade, amigo. I used to spite being a twin. I really don't know why...maybe simply because I didn't understand the blessing. But I do know that now, I am so thankful. And again, am in awe of God and His constant blessing. Alyssa and I have fought battles, sometimes with each other but always for each other. She is my best friend. Always will be! And I dare anybody to come between us. 'Aint gonna happen bro. I love her.

"My sister and I, you will recollect, were twins, and you know how subtle are the links which bind two souls which are so closely allied."  ~Arthur Conan Doyle, The Adventure of the Speckled Band

And I owe a great amount to my parents. I think birthdays should celebrate mothers just as much as the kid. After all, she did all the work. But aside from that, my mom and dad have been exceptional parents. So loving and hard working. My dad works his rear end off to make sure we have everything we need, and my mom gives up her well-being for us. Among other things. It doesn't go unnoticed. And I'd just like to put it out there publicly.


And my wonderful brothers. Christopher, I didn't know well for a while. But I am starting to get to know him and am so ridiculously proud of him. God has a special blessing on him. Watch out world.
And little Matthew...not so little anymore! What a little man! He is a mirror of God's unconditional love for us. I am so beyond thankful for who he is. 

I am blessed. I will not forget. I will not let it go unnoticed. God is my portion and I am thankful. 

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be."

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.
The last couple of months have been difficult. They've been rough and sharp and I've been torn in too many ways to count. I feel that my dreams have become fiercely distant, as if they've run from me. And what I thought to be absolutes are now merely an idea that I once clung to. I've been thrown for a loop and am not out of it yet.
I went to Australia hoping that God would give me answers and complete the woman I thought He wanted me to be. And then I came home early and was sure that I foiled His plan because I was weak. I didn't have more answers. I had more questions. I had more hurt, more pain and more confusion. I say "had", but I still do. I still don't fully see God's plan for that situation. I've analyzed it, labored over it...tossed in my bed at night to try and put the pieces together again. But I've realized that, though I thought Australia was the destination of completion, it was really just the first few steps in a long journey. Those first few baby steps when I stumbled and fell.
While deciding whether or not to go to Australia, God showed me two paths to an ocean- a long, winding, steady slope that gently lead to a sandy beach or a short walk to a cliff that I could dive right into the ocean. He told me He would bless whichever path I took and, naturally, I chose the short walk. That cliff had a few sharp rocks at the bottom and I got my head banged up. I believe that the car accident was a complete attack of the enemy when I was at my weakest. But God has used it to turn beauty for ashes. He has torn down walls of pride and self-assurance that I was unaware of. I've become the most vulnerable, weak, child-like version of myself. I've been an adult since 8 years old when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. I don't remember childhood before cancer clinics and hospitals. I took care of people. I did what I had to do and God blessed me with the strength to do it. But then I didn't know how to let it go. At 13 I was already and adult, so how could I live as a child? I didn't know how to go backwards. So now, I'm learning what it feels like to be dependent. Dependency takes vulnerability. Vulnerability takes humility. I'm learning all of these things. So far I've only had glimpses of each. I know it will take time and I'm simply abiding. Abiding in God and trusting that He knows what He's doing. I'm learning to trust Him, others and especially myself. And I'm healing. I'm starting to. I've been thrown and broken and God is collecting the pieces right now. I'm not fully healed physically, spiritually or emotionally. But by God's grace I am starting to feel it. I've suffered a brain injury, back injury and emotional abuse. I'm struggling through PTSD and long standing anxiety attacks. But God has used this car accident to show me that those things have been there my whole life. They started when I was little and have been affecting me and I didn't even know it. I was informed that a migraine that put my in the ER 2 years ago, was actually a panic attack. I've realized that I've had PTSD probably since the shooting at New Life 5 years ago. I've ran from depression my whole life. I've secluded myself from people and relationships. I've been haunted by flashbacks and nightmares. Fears of everything and intense fear of death and sickness which led to mild OCD. I've struggled with panic attacks and sleep disorders. I get rashes, migraines and nausea from stress. All of these things I've struggled with my whole life and have never been able to figure out why. It's unpleasant but I finally am getting some answers. All of these symptoms have been exacerbated by my car accident. And then added guilt, shame and absolute confusion. The pain in my back can make me collapse on the floor. I haven't been able to exercise or do normal activities. I've made my bed once since  I got home. I've lashed out at dear friends and family. I feel like a burden to my family. I'm incapable and not as helpful as I used to be. I can't help my dad move furniture, or help my mom with basic chores around the house. My dear sister organized my room for me because I couldn't figure out how. My return home and recovery has been at the expense of my parents. It's humiliating. It has stripped me of my pride. But in my weakness, God is made strong. And in my weakness, God makes me stronger. I'm going through the fire, and it burns. But I'll be brighter and able to shine more when I've been purified. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.

I know I said that I would write and blog, letters etc every week. And I’m so sorry that I haven’t exactly kept that promise. You see, I have had a really hard time figuring out how to connect my two worlds. How do I explain to the people back home the feelings I’m feeling, the experiences, the people...sure I can try and explain some sights, sounds and smells that are relatable to you. But the atmosphere and character of this world I’m living in..How do I explain that? I could write you a list of all the differences I see. How the roads are more curvy than America, how the people use monotones to give you a yes or no response- though the same tone means two different things, how every mother here yells to discipline- but it’s completely normal and no one has a problem with it even though I was so nervous when I first saw it. How the possums here are adorable, little lemur looking things and it’s Koala awareness month. Sure...I could give you that list. But oh, to share with you the atmosphere and warm hospitable heart of Australia! Simple things are so exciting here. They show TV commercials that we had years ago and they think it’s so cool. The boys are so inquisitive about America and they know more history about it than I do! I’m always astounded at the riches of my country when I compare it to theirs. We were founded on Christian principles and the kids asked me why they think our country is the leading country of the world (Obama is actually some type of politically leader of Australia- I had no idea!) and I was able to share with them that our country was founded on God and He has blessed it and the differences between the people who founded the countries. I’m learning my roles and place here in this home, and even though it isn’t my family’s home, it’s my home for now. The sounds are different, more tropical. Kookaburras are not cool. They make the loudest, most obnoxious noise way too early in the morning. But the Lorikeets are wonderful and I saw a Galla and a long-billed Corella! The Magpies here are Devil birds. They swoop you and are really strong. There is a certain place on our street that we don’t go because we know there’s a magpie there!

I miss my friends...way more than I would like. It’s hard to experience a ton of new things and know that the people you have history, inside jokes, chemistry, and depth with are all on another continent. They aren’t able to experience this huge part of my life with me. And the friends that I thought would keep up with me haven’t...but the few people who have, are friends that have really surprised me. But it’s a true test of friendship. It’ll be interesting to see how many friends I will actually have upon my return. But I know that it’s good that I have no one to fall back on but God. I’m growing in myself instead of growing myself to fit others’ molds. I’m free to love what I love without feeling the need for approval. Mostly knowing that no one is there to approve or disapprove.

Now, everyone keeps asking if there’s any guys in the picture yet- I can confidently say no! I really doubt that there will be (Though it would be fine with me ;P), but I thought I’d answer that in bulk so I don’t have to repeat myself a bunch :p  

Right now, I am just trying to open myself up and learn to be vulnerable. Learn to take chances and try new things- which I’ve never been good at. I’m learning where every little weak spot is. And how many there are. I’m learning how much I depend on others when I should be depending on God. But I’m also learning that God created companionship and other people because we NEED them. We cannot function without community. We were creating as social beings, in need of friendship and camaraderie. God created us to be friends! He said it was not good for man to be alone. Plain and simple. So being alone has stirred up a passion for friendship that I took advantage of before. Not that I didn’t appreciate my friends, but I’ve learned how to properly pursue. Alyssa always used to be the persuare. She would create the friendships, and I would step in and feed them. But now we each have to learn both roles.

I am now involved in a church and already fallen in love with the people there. The senior Pastor and his wife really co-lead and they are both wonderful! I have also met the childrens pastor and nursery director and both are so kind and friendly. I’m hoping to go to a college/20 something’s group once a fortnight but have to work around my work schedule, so it may not be possible. And Reegan wants me to take her to youth group on Friday nights! Pray pray pray! God is penetrating her heart and she is vulnerable. I am praying for a complete attitude change, so much so that her parents won’t be able to ignore the impact God is having on her.

A nanny's job- Sit in car, wait for child whilst drinking juice. 

At the carnival of flowers. Reegan becoming one with the statue.

Waiting for our open-air movie to start. Tonight- Hugo!

A float from the parade at the Carnival

Sushi! Made them myself :)

How are we still single? Milenka and I at the carnival of flowers, watching the fireworks!

The boys thought it would be cool to organize and clean their room for me without me asking! SO sweet! And this was after them sitting in their room for an hour quietly drawing..without me asking. :)