"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be."

"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.
The last couple of months have been difficult. They've been rough and sharp and I've been torn in too many ways to count. I feel that my dreams have become fiercely distant, as if they've run from me. And what I thought to be absolutes are now merely an idea that I once clung to. I've been thrown for a loop and am not out of it yet.
I went to Australia hoping that God would give me answers and complete the woman I thought He wanted me to be. And then I came home early and was sure that I foiled His plan because I was weak. I didn't have more answers. I had more questions. I had more hurt, more pain and more confusion. I say "had", but I still do. I still don't fully see God's plan for that situation. I've analyzed it, labored over it...tossed in my bed at night to try and put the pieces together again. But I've realized that, though I thought Australia was the destination of completion, it was really just the first few steps in a long journey. Those first few baby steps when I stumbled and fell.
While deciding whether or not to go to Australia, God showed me two paths to an ocean- a long, winding, steady slope that gently lead to a sandy beach or a short walk to a cliff that I could dive right into the ocean. He told me He would bless whichever path I took and, naturally, I chose the short walk. That cliff had a few sharp rocks at the bottom and I got my head banged up. I believe that the car accident was a complete attack of the enemy when I was at my weakest. But God has used it to turn beauty for ashes. He has torn down walls of pride and self-assurance that I was unaware of. I've become the most vulnerable, weak, child-like version of myself. I've been an adult since 8 years old when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. I don't remember childhood before cancer clinics and hospitals. I took care of people. I did what I had to do and God blessed me with the strength to do it. But then I didn't know how to let it go. At 13 I was already and adult, so how could I live as a child? I didn't know how to go backwards. So now, I'm learning what it feels like to be dependent. Dependency takes vulnerability. Vulnerability takes humility. I'm learning all of these things. So far I've only had glimpses of each. I know it will take time and I'm simply abiding. Abiding in God and trusting that He knows what He's doing. I'm learning to trust Him, others and especially myself. And I'm healing. I'm starting to. I've been thrown and broken and God is collecting the pieces right now. I'm not fully healed physically, spiritually or emotionally. But by God's grace I am starting to feel it. I've suffered a brain injury, back injury and emotional abuse. I'm struggling through PTSD and long standing anxiety attacks. But God has used this car accident to show me that those things have been there my whole life. They started when I was little and have been affecting me and I didn't even know it. I was informed that a migraine that put my in the ER 2 years ago, was actually a panic attack. I've realized that I've had PTSD probably since the shooting at New Life 5 years ago. I've ran from depression my whole life. I've secluded myself from people and relationships. I've been haunted by flashbacks and nightmares. Fears of everything and intense fear of death and sickness which led to mild OCD. I've struggled with panic attacks and sleep disorders. I get rashes, migraines and nausea from stress. All of these things I've struggled with my whole life and have never been able to figure out why. It's unpleasant but I finally am getting some answers. All of these symptoms have been exacerbated by my car accident. And then added guilt, shame and absolute confusion. The pain in my back can make me collapse on the floor. I haven't been able to exercise or do normal activities. I've made my bed once since  I got home. I've lashed out at dear friends and family. I feel like a burden to my family. I'm incapable and not as helpful as I used to be. I can't help my dad move furniture, or help my mom with basic chores around the house. My dear sister organized my room for me because I couldn't figure out how. My return home and recovery has been at the expense of my parents. It's humiliating. It has stripped me of my pride. But in my weakness, God is made strong. And in my weakness, God makes me stronger. I'm going through the fire, and it burns. But I'll be brighter and able to shine more when I've been purified. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.

I know I said that I would write and blog, letters etc every week. And I’m so sorry that I haven’t exactly kept that promise. You see, I have had a really hard time figuring out how to connect my two worlds. How do I explain to the people back home the feelings I’m feeling, the experiences, the people...sure I can try and explain some sights, sounds and smells that are relatable to you. But the atmosphere and character of this world I’m living in..How do I explain that? I could write you a list of all the differences I see. How the roads are more curvy than America, how the people use monotones to give you a yes or no response- though the same tone means two different things, how every mother here yells to discipline- but it’s completely normal and no one has a problem with it even though I was so nervous when I first saw it. How the possums here are adorable, little lemur looking things and it’s Koala awareness month. Sure...I could give you that list. But oh, to share with you the atmosphere and warm hospitable heart of Australia! Simple things are so exciting here. They show TV commercials that we had years ago and they think it’s so cool. The boys are so inquisitive about America and they know more history about it than I do! I’m always astounded at the riches of my country when I compare it to theirs. We were founded on Christian principles and the kids asked me why they think our country is the leading country of the world (Obama is actually some type of politically leader of Australia- I had no idea!) and I was able to share with them that our country was founded on God and He has blessed it and the differences between the people who founded the countries. I’m learning my roles and place here in this home, and even though it isn’t my family’s home, it’s my home for now. The sounds are different, more tropical. Kookaburras are not cool. They make the loudest, most obnoxious noise way too early in the morning. But the Lorikeets are wonderful and I saw a Galla and a long-billed Corella! The Magpies here are Devil birds. They swoop you and are really strong. There is a certain place on our street that we don’t go because we know there’s a magpie there!

I miss my friends...way more than I would like. It’s hard to experience a ton of new things and know that the people you have history, inside jokes, chemistry, and depth with are all on another continent. They aren’t able to experience this huge part of my life with me. And the friends that I thought would keep up with me haven’t...but the few people who have, are friends that have really surprised me. But it’s a true test of friendship. It’ll be interesting to see how many friends I will actually have upon my return. But I know that it’s good that I have no one to fall back on but God. I’m growing in myself instead of growing myself to fit others’ molds. I’m free to love what I love without feeling the need for approval. Mostly knowing that no one is there to approve or disapprove.

Now, everyone keeps asking if there’s any guys in the picture yet- I can confidently say no! I really doubt that there will be (Though it would be fine with me ;P), but I thought I’d answer that in bulk so I don’t have to repeat myself a bunch :p  

Right now, I am just trying to open myself up and learn to be vulnerable. Learn to take chances and try new things- which I’ve never been good at. I’m learning where every little weak spot is. And how many there are. I’m learning how much I depend on others when I should be depending on God. But I’m also learning that God created companionship and other people because we NEED them. We cannot function without community. We were creating as social beings, in need of friendship and camaraderie. God created us to be friends! He said it was not good for man to be alone. Plain and simple. So being alone has stirred up a passion for friendship that I took advantage of before. Not that I didn’t appreciate my friends, but I’ve learned how to properly pursue. Alyssa always used to be the persuare. She would create the friendships, and I would step in and feed them. But now we each have to learn both roles.

I am now involved in a church and already fallen in love with the people there. The senior Pastor and his wife really co-lead and they are both wonderful! I have also met the childrens pastor and nursery director and both are so kind and friendly. I’m hoping to go to a college/20 something’s group once a fortnight but have to work around my work schedule, so it may not be possible. And Reegan wants me to take her to youth group on Friday nights! Pray pray pray! God is penetrating her heart and she is vulnerable. I am praying for a complete attitude change, so much so that her parents won’t be able to ignore the impact God is having on her.

A nanny's job- Sit in car, wait for child whilst drinking juice. 

At the carnival of flowers. Reegan becoming one with the statue.

Waiting for our open-air movie to start. Tonight- Hugo!

A float from the parade at the Carnival

Sushi! Made them myself :)

How are we still single? Milenka and I at the carnival of flowers, watching the fireworks!

The boys thought it would be cool to organize and clean their room for me without me asking! SO sweet! And this was after them sitting in their room for an hour quietly drawing..without me asking. :) 

In The Stillness...

I'm sitting here in my room, listening to all the noises outside; Kookaburras, pigeons, parrots, cars in the distance and the occasional crack of the wood floor that is old and worn. My two windows overlook tall, thick trees that seem to ring of history and steadiness. There's a Kookaburra laughing, a pigeon cooing gently and a mock-jay whistling a calm, morning greeting. Other than that; Silence. Pure beauty. God is in each gentle noise, whispering His promises and love. The Bible says that all of creation will sing of His goodness and that the Earth longs for His return. I can feel it now. He is in the longing, cooing, whistles and very heartbeat of the earth.

Sometimes we search so desperately for a lone voice in the wind when, in fact, His voice is a medley. A beautiful symphony of sounds coming from His creation. How much love does He have for us! He designed the wind to hit the tall grass in such a way as to make a gentle sweeping sound that invites peace and freedom. The trees can gracefully rustle in a late fall evening, which makes us feel a calm surrender, while the crickets lull us to sleep at night with their soft chirps. He designed everything to compliment each other in a harmonious tone. And God comes in the silent whisper in a sacred space of God-appointed sights and sounds.

As I'm sitting here in this calmness, I'm realizing that this is the quietest my heart has been. Maybe when we say to sitting in "silence", we mean soundless. But rather we should mean "stillness". Maybe "silence" isn't a soundless state, but rather a spiritually steady state. A meditation that invites us to silent communion with our creator, that as we all know, is never a true, blank silence.

The word "Meditation" comes from the Latin phrase, stare in medio, which means to stand in one's centre. If we meditate on the Lord in this stillness, we align ourselves to the centre because God is our centre. He brings unity to all our parts, body, mind and spirit. And when we meditate everything we have is focusing and centering on Him. It's in those times that our "Silence" speaks volumes. I think those are moments that this "Silence" opens up doors of pain so God can come and flood those open doors with His love and life.

My Friend.

So I'm sitting here, in a terminal, at a gate, that isn't mine yet. I don't leave until 11:55 tonight and it's only 5:35. Needless to say, I've got quite a bit of time on my hands.
Now there's not really a point to this blog other than the fact that I have time and I have a whole lot of mixed emotions and words that I would love to be able to process with someone but I'm alone. There's not a whole lot of ability to do that. What I would give to have a friend right now. But it's in these times that God reminds me that He's my friend. He's my supporter when everything feels crazy and I'm so weak that I don't feel I can stand. He's my Guide and Director when I am lost in a giant airport with heavy bags. He's my Provider when I have to pay for an extra bag I didn't anticipate. He is my Peace when I find out that my bags are 15 pounds too heavy and I have to change it an hour before we leave. He's my friend. When I'm sitting alone in an airport, writing a blog.  He is everything. There's no role that He cannot fill. There's no desire He cannot meet, or place someone in our paths to meet. He gave us Jesus when we needed something tangible, the Spirit when we need someone personal, and gave us Holy God when we need our God. He's everything.I love that He knows us so well- That when we are overcome with emotion, we can sit in silent surrender and let God take control. The words don't matter. You don't have to find the perfect words or expression. Sometimes the best way to let God in and know you, is to sit and allow it instead of constantly strive for Him. I think often times, we get so caught up in going to the next level with God or in our lives that often, when God stops to show us how to be content, we keep running and leave God in our dust. And then we look back and realize that the reason we couldn't find Him in front of us, was because we left Him in a lesson of contentment behind us. He's waiting for us to turn around a walk back to Him. He's just waiting :)

Anaheim!

Arrived in Anaheim, California! I was telling everyone that I would definitely blog while I'm here but I'm realizing how hard that may be. My thoughts are so incredibly jumbled right now. I'm excited but mostly scared of my next step. I have no idea how to process these feelings or how to react to my circumstances. I'm already finding myself wanting to go into retreat mode and bow out gracefully and then God reminds me that He is in this plan too. He keeps showing me that this is what I'm supposed to do, He gives me peace and assurance, He protects my heart even now while I'm so vulnerable.
It has hit me though. Quicker than I thought it would, actually. I have realized how long I'll be away. How far. How different. But mostly that I'm alone. And I know that the first thing that come to people's minds is; "But you're not alone, you have God!" Yes. True. But it's still very different and not as tangible as a hug from a friend or a house to go chill at to escape everyday life. But still, God is the center of it ALL. He is the clarity in the haze. He's is my anchor. And writing these words just make me see that even more. Listening to some Gungor. Typing a blog. In another state. God is near. He's hear. He's talking to me and He's talking to you.


I don't have much more than that right now...I'm mostly trying to process through blogging ;) Thanks for reading :) Later it will be much more interesting!


Here's a few pictures though-

Outside the Airport

At IHop at 2:30 A.M.!

I accidentally ripped my ticket. Totes Awk.

24 days!

Hi sweet friends!
Just a quick update on my life and my journey into Australia!
I leave in 24 days! I can't believe how quickly it has come and I'm dealing with a lot of very mixed emotions and my poor family has had the brunt of it. I didn't realize how difficult it can be trying to clarify emotions in a transitional period like this. I feel so excited and ready to embark on such an adventure but at the same time, I sit in a room with all of my friends, chatting and having fun, and realize that I will miss out on a lot of life with these people that I consider family. So I've been a little grumpy, a little blank. Not knowing what to do.


I've also heard a few things and I know that they are spiritual attacks trying to instill doubt into my dreams. So please pray against that if you think of me.


I'm also in great need of a few things still and praying for provision and trusting God that He will provide as He always does :) And on a happy note, my wonderful brother had a high quality camera that he no longer needed and gave it to me instead of selling it! HUGE blessing and one more thing I can thank God for providing.


Any prayers or provisions are welcomed and appreciated! And I sincerely thank you for all of your support on my journey. I feel so blessed that God has placed you in my life. Thank you.


So quick prayer requests if you think of me,
- Provision for a laptop, clothes, and the rest of the money for my plane tickets
- Protection in my travels and my new home
- Peace among the doubts, stress, fear and separation anxiety.
- Opportunity beyond just Australia. Whatever that may mean :)
- Life-Giving Friends in Australia who will encourage me and support me




Much Love to all of you.


Cheers,

Bethany

An Au Pair, a juice fast and a lot of poo.

So. 2 major things happening!
       1- I'm on a juice fast! Well, not entirely juice- I'm also incorporating raw fruits, veggies and nuts into my diet because I just don't do well without any sort of solid. Bad things happen-trust me. I'm on day 5 of the "Cold-Turkey" juice fast because before that I was on a juice fast but still having one meal a day. So technically speaking I've actually been doing this for almost three weeks but it wasn't working as well as I had hoped before so I decided to go crazy. I'm so thrilled with the results I've already had! I've lost 4 pounds, had more energy and gotten sick. Now that sounds awful but the sickness is just my body ridding itself of all bad toxins! So my lymph nodes are incredibly swollen, my throat hurts and my muscles are tense but that's only because they are trying to get rid of all the crap I've put into myself over the years and those places are where the crap gets stored. It sucks and I've missed two days of school and sleep, but it will be worth it in the long run! The rest of my family said they were going to do the same but so far it hasn't happened. I'm hoping they all really run with it because it's so, SO good for you and helps you detox, lose wight, clear up dietary, physical and mental ailments and just gives you more energy and stuff! I'll be trying to blog more often to keep you updated on my little journey :) Alyssa and I have been recruiting friends to do this with so let me know if you want in!


       2- I'm going to Australia, mate! A couple of months ago, I decided to put a profile up on AuPair.com and see if I could land an Au Pair job somewhere. (Au Pair; An au pair (plural: au pairs) is a domestic assistant for children and housework from a foreign country working for, and living as part of, a host family.) So I was contacted by a lady who was interested in hiring me and we talked a bit and then I didn't hear from her for over a month. Needless to say , I just let that thought go. Until I was contacted by another lady (On a different website; GreatAuPair.com) in Toowoomba, Queensland Australia with a husband and four beautiful children who was interested in hiring me. So we started e-mail and Tuesday night I was able to skype with her and their current Au Pair, Mimmi, who is returning home in a week to start an internship! They were both wonderful and I had so much fun talking to them and getting a "tour" of the house over skype. I was able to meet a couple of the children and ask my questions. We then e-mailed the next day and officially decided that I'm going! We both feel very comfortable and are so excited at this opportunity! So it will either be in early June or late July- we're all hoping for July since it will give me a bit more time to gather funds, prepare, book a plane ticket and be approved for my visa. I should know by Monday :) There are a LOT of things I need that happen to be very expensive and I need them in a short amount of time.


        So I created a "Faith List"- a checklist of things I'm trusting God to provide- A laptop, Camera, Visa, Clothing, Supplies, Airline ticket, etc. Plus things that I'll need once I get there- A Homeopathic doctor, a "backup family" who's Christian so I can fellowship with them, a Church and friends. Needless to say; Your prayers are appreciated! Anything you can help with is a massive blessing. I'll keep you updated as this journey ensues. Love you all!

Fat? Not me.

I was reading a homeopathic care book earlier today and came across the section titled, "Emotional Problems- Anorexia and Bulimia". I was intriged by the idea that those severe lies could be antidoted with herbs, so I continued reading. About half way through the first paragraph it said, "The disorder usually occurs in adolescent girls who fear becoming fat and develop a distorted impression of their own body image."  I was nearly shocked with an epiphany for my own life. These eating diorders (both of which I have struggled with in the past) are not a fix, they're a prevetative! Then I asked myself, how can a girl be so sure that she will become fat that she'll starve herself to prevent it? She may maintain a healthy weight her whole life. Why would she automatically assume that she is destined for obesity?
And then it hit me- like a Mack truck. Moms. These girls hear their mothers time and time again say, "I have no self-control", "I've gotta lose weight", "I never did lose that baby-weight", etc. So it's only natural that they would adapt the same mind-set or, even scarier, go the opposite direction to make sure they never have to feel that way about themselves. The past generations wonder why my generation is so twisted with eating disorders and suicide- it's not us. We are reeling from the generations before us and trying to stop these lies in their tracks. But how do we try and stop these lies? Well, generally we go to men. We try and find our self-worth in boys instead of food and then backslide when these boys let us down- Leading us straight to food, obesity or the feeling that we are too fat and that's why guys don't love us. So then we slim down and flirt like there's no tomorrow just to get feedback.  It's a crazy cycle that has to stop!

Mom's what do you say in front of your children? Not just your daughters, but also your sons! Do you realize that you are shaping their view on women and they will go a seek out the girls with eating disorders?? How about instead of, "Man I need to lose weight" just go and actually do something about it! Get yourself on a schedule, change the food you buy and have self-control!

~Get some accountability. Make some changes. Just small ones- they don't have to be giant!

~Studies show that not eating after 7:00 PM can help you lose 10 pounds a month!

~Switch to Almond or Coconut milk instead of Dairy since dairy will bloat you and is not naturally healthy. Think of it this way- A; You're drinking a cows breast milk. Ew!  and B; A cow feeds her calf a type of milk that is meant to fatten that baby up- and FAST! It will do the same to you.

~Your body will often send the same message when it's thirsty as it does when it's hungry- aka drink instead of snack! More than likely you are just thirsty!

There are SO many ways to help your self image as well as your children's. I feel sick when I think of the crap I went through because of some of the women in my life- who I thought were mentors no less- who completely distorted my self image through their own self-image. Don't be that person. Be an influence of positivity and confidence on my generation! You are needed. And you are wanted!

Do you trust Me?

So, there I am, near death. Gasping for breath, spine numbing, eyes blurring and then I see it. The park! I was almost there. Now you may say, "Wow, you're crazy pathetic and I'm never speaking to you again." You try pushing two kids in a double stroller up a 70 degree angled sidewalk on a cold and windy day! Go on. I dare you- I DOUBLE DOG dare you.

So I finally get to the park and the girls play a bit (We stay there for a whole ten minutes before Izzy gets cold and wants to go home- I was feeling the same) and then we start to head back home.
 

            To get home you have to decline that hellish sidewalk and then cross over Austin Bluffs- which is sometimes a busy street, but really not enough to worry about. After we cross the street and are safely on the sidewalk, Izzy says, "Bethany, [in her oh-so-adorable baby girl voice], you wouldn't let me get hit by a car, right?"  ...I was stunned. Of course not! I stopped the stroller and got down to her level and took her sweet little hands, "Isabel, I would never ever let you get hit by a car. I would never let anything happen to you." She still looked a little unconvinced, "I promise. I pinky promise. Do you trust me?" She nodded her head. "And hey guess what?" She looked at me, "What?"   I smiled, "I love you."           Doesn't this just remind you of God? Not that I am in any way comparing myself to God. But it's like when we are "baby" Christians, God pushes us in a stroller- He buckles us into the seat and tells us to stay put while He guides our stroller over the sometimes scary street of life. The stroller is our vehicle to get us to where we need to be.
          With a baby we buckle, harness, and lock to make sure that there is no possible way for them to get hurt. As children get older, we let them get out of the stroller for small periods of time but still have rules, and boundaries set up for safety- Although much less intense. Maybe they scratch their knee from falling on the sidewalk or stub their toe- but it's nothing they can't bounce back easily from.  

          As we get a little older or more mature, God allows us to walk beside Him, sometimes He even lets us push the stoller saying, "This decision is up to you, Beloved." So we can see how it feels- guiding ourselves along the path, with Him giving us the directions (Think GPS). But at some point in our lives He decides that we are mature enough to push the stroller ourselves- often containing other precious children of God inside. We mature and grow out of having to be told exactly what to do, when to do it and where to go. He allows us freedom. Isn't that what He came for? As children (Or new Christians), He needs to place tons of rules around us to keep us safe- But eventually they turn into second nature and He trusts us with ourselves- Not the world around us, or the situations or other people. Just me. Just you. He trusts us! And then we have to trust Him with everything else. And at the times of fear and doubt, God looks us in the eyes, takes us by the hands and tells us everything will be OK. Regardless of the situation or how badly we mess up, He still knows the end and He promises us that it will be wonderful. Sometimes He asks, "Do you trust Me?" And we nod our heads.  He looks us in the eyes and says, "I love You."

I'm so glad that I have someone I can Trust- Who trusts me too. What a Glorious God we have. What a Wonder.

Babies, the Devil and Me...

So I haven't blogged in a while. Mostly for lack of ability to formulate clear thoughts and the execution of said thought. There is SO MUCH  on my mind...but it's like a jigsaw puzzle in that noggin' of mine. I only have pieces of thoughts and they are all floating around looking for a continuation. So if this blog is kind of random- that's why.

          I've been really focused on dreams lately. My Dreams. My hopes and desires or the future. The hopes and desires that God has for my future. Attacks on my future. I know I'm supposed to be a wife and mother first and foremost. Not only a mother for my children but also for the motherless and orphaned in this world. I know I'm supposed to work to inspire and instill hope into girls and women of all ages and I'm so excited to pursue that! But I'm really hesitant to have kids all of a sudden. I've been nannying some kids these last few weeks, and I walk away so tired and emotionally drained, that I don't see the worth in it. I'm being brutally honest here. I know that kids are a blessing and a miracle but it scares the POOP out of me. I feel so bad for parents, how do they function? 6 hours and I'm ready to sleep for a week. I KNOW that kids, babies, teenagers are a GOOD thing. But I can't get past the years of crap that parents have to go through just so that they can help their kids succeed. I have so many doubts and fears but I know that the reason I have so much anxiety about this is because the Devil is trying to discourage me from fulfilling an important calling that God gave specifically, with love, to me. I've known that being a good wife, mother and homemaker is my main calling. It's not fancy or easy- it's rough, exasperating and draining. Right? But it's beautiful..........right? I really want to have kids. I'm excited! I hope that when I find out that I'm carrying that tiny little person in me- a soul- that I will feel like I can conquer anything and that  I would  do absolutely anything for the little one. I hope that all those long nights will turn into nights of intersession for this babe. I hope that we don't ever fight. I hope that our relationship will be stuff of legends. I hope so much. I hope....


God please give me clarity, strength and hope for the future. Show me children through Your eyes- because mine are clouded. Forgive me for the lies I believe about this subject and open my eyes to the Truth. For YOU are Truth.
With Love,
Your Kid