"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.
The last couple of months have been difficult. They've been rough and sharp and I've been torn in too many ways to count. I feel that my dreams have become fiercely distant, as if they've run from me. And what I thought to be absolutes are now merely an idea that I once clung to. I've been thrown for a loop and am not out of it yet.
I went to Australia hoping that God would give me answers and complete the woman I thought He wanted me to be. And then I came home early and was sure that I foiled His plan because I was weak. I didn't have more answers. I had more questions. I had more hurt, more pain and more confusion. I say "had", but I still do. I still don't fully see God's plan for that situation. I've analyzed it, labored over it...tossed in my bed at night to try and put the pieces together again. But I've realized that, though I thought Australia was the destination of completion, it was really just the first few steps in a long journey. Those first few baby steps when I stumbled and fell.
While deciding whether or not to go to Australia, God showed me two paths to an ocean- a long, winding, steady slope that gently lead to a sandy beach or a short walk to a cliff that I could dive right into the ocean. He told me He would bless whichever path I took and, naturally, I chose the short walk. That cliff had a few sharp rocks at the bottom and I got my head banged up. I believe that the car accident was a complete attack of the enemy when I was at my weakest. But God has used it to turn beauty for ashes. He has torn down walls of pride and self-assurance that I was unaware of. I've become the most vulnerable, weak, child-like version of myself. I've been an adult since 8 years old when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. I don't remember childhood before cancer clinics and hospitals. I took care of people. I did what I had to do and God blessed me with the strength to do it. But then I didn't know how to let it go. At 13 I was already and adult, so how could I live as a child? I didn't know how to go backwards. So now, I'm learning what it feels like to be dependent. Dependency takes vulnerability. Vulnerability takes humility. I'm learning all of these things. So far I've only had glimpses of each. I know it will take time and I'm simply abiding. Abiding in God and trusting that He knows what He's doing. I'm learning to trust Him, others and especially myself. And I'm healing. I'm starting to. I've been thrown and broken and God is collecting the pieces right now. I'm not fully healed physically, spiritually or emotionally. But by God's grace I am starting to feel it. I've suffered a brain injury, back injury and emotional abuse. I'm struggling through PTSD and long standing anxiety attacks. But God has used this car accident to show me that those things have been there my whole life. They started when I was little and have been affecting me and I didn't even know it. I was informed that a migraine that put my in the ER 2 years ago, was actually a panic attack. I've realized that I've had PTSD probably since the shooting at New Life 5 years ago. I've ran from depression my whole life. I've secluded myself from people and relationships. I've been haunted by flashbacks and nightmares. Fears of everything and intense fear of death and sickness which led to mild OCD. I've struggled with panic attacks and sleep disorders. I get rashes, migraines and nausea from stress. All of these things I've struggled with my whole life and have never been able to figure out why. It's unpleasant but I finally am getting some answers. All of these symptoms have been exacerbated by my car accident. And then added guilt, shame and absolute confusion. The pain in my back can make me collapse on the floor. I haven't been able to exercise or do normal activities. I've made my bed once since I got home. I've lashed out at dear friends and family. I feel like a burden to my family. I'm incapable and not as helpful as I used to be. I can't help my dad move furniture, or help my mom with basic chores around the house. My dear sister organized my room for me because I couldn't figure out how. My return home and recovery has been at the expense of my parents. It's humiliating. It has stripped me of my pride. But in my weakness, God is made strong. And in my weakness, God makes me stronger. I'm going through the fire, and it burns. But I'll be brighter and able to shine more when I've been purified. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.
The last couple of months have been difficult. They've been rough and sharp and I've been torn in too many ways to count. I feel that my dreams have become fiercely distant, as if they've run from me. And what I thought to be absolutes are now merely an idea that I once clung to. I've been thrown for a loop and am not out of it yet.
I went to Australia hoping that God would give me answers and complete the woman I thought He wanted me to be. And then I came home early and was sure that I foiled His plan because I was weak. I didn't have more answers. I had more questions. I had more hurt, more pain and more confusion. I say "had", but I still do. I still don't fully see God's plan for that situation. I've analyzed it, labored over it...tossed in my bed at night to try and put the pieces together again. But I've realized that, though I thought Australia was the destination of completion, it was really just the first few steps in a long journey. Those first few baby steps when I stumbled and fell.
While deciding whether or not to go to Australia, God showed me two paths to an ocean- a long, winding, steady slope that gently lead to a sandy beach or a short walk to a cliff that I could dive right into the ocean. He told me He would bless whichever path I took and, naturally, I chose the short walk. That cliff had a few sharp rocks at the bottom and I got my head banged up. I believe that the car accident was a complete attack of the enemy when I was at my weakest. But God has used it to turn beauty for ashes. He has torn down walls of pride and self-assurance that I was unaware of. I've become the most vulnerable, weak, child-like version of myself. I've been an adult since 8 years old when my brother was diagnosed with cancer. I don't remember childhood before cancer clinics and hospitals. I took care of people. I did what I had to do and God blessed me with the strength to do it. But then I didn't know how to let it go. At 13 I was already and adult, so how could I live as a child? I didn't know how to go backwards. So now, I'm learning what it feels like to be dependent. Dependency takes vulnerability. Vulnerability takes humility. I'm learning all of these things. So far I've only had glimpses of each. I know it will take time and I'm simply abiding. Abiding in God and trusting that He knows what He's doing. I'm learning to trust Him, others and especially myself. And I'm healing. I'm starting to. I've been thrown and broken and God is collecting the pieces right now. I'm not fully healed physically, spiritually or emotionally. But by God's grace I am starting to feel it. I've suffered a brain injury, back injury and emotional abuse. I'm struggling through PTSD and long standing anxiety attacks. But God has used this car accident to show me that those things have been there my whole life. They started when I was little and have been affecting me and I didn't even know it. I was informed that a migraine that put my in the ER 2 years ago, was actually a panic attack. I've realized that I've had PTSD probably since the shooting at New Life 5 years ago. I've ran from depression my whole life. I've secluded myself from people and relationships. I've been haunted by flashbacks and nightmares. Fears of everything and intense fear of death and sickness which led to mild OCD. I've struggled with panic attacks and sleep disorders. I get rashes, migraines and nausea from stress. All of these things I've struggled with my whole life and have never been able to figure out why. It's unpleasant but I finally am getting some answers. All of these symptoms have been exacerbated by my car accident. And then added guilt, shame and absolute confusion. The pain in my back can make me collapse on the floor. I haven't been able to exercise or do normal activities. I've made my bed once since I got home. I've lashed out at dear friends and family. I feel like a burden to my family. I'm incapable and not as helpful as I used to be. I can't help my dad move furniture, or help my mom with basic chores around the house. My dear sister organized my room for me because I couldn't figure out how. My return home and recovery has been at the expense of my parents. It's humiliating. It has stripped me of my pride. But in my weakness, God is made strong. And in my weakness, God makes me stronger. I'm going through the fire, and it burns. But I'll be brighter and able to shine more when I've been purified. "I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I've ended up where I need to be." -Douglas Adams.
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