Highs and lows. Friendships and work. Family. Balance. Confusing? YES.
I am sitting in my room alone. For the first time in over a week. I'm alone. I've been running with my friends or I've been working. I'm out till I fall asleep and then wake to work again. It's a mixture of liberation and exhaustion. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it yet. I find myself sad when I'm alone. Also confused when I'm accompanied. Companionship, I'm learning, is a chore as well as a blessing. I read my Bible today, for the first time since returning from Australia. The first verse I read was about God tearing down walls. Grinding them to ash at our knees. I've never been one to have good, honest relationships. They haven't been bad, but neither have they been fruitful. The have simply "been". Why? Walls. I've have put up so many walls that I've created a room. A happy little room where inside it dwells only things I allow and recognize as "good". What a very sad thing it is. What a boring, white and sterile little room. God said he will tear down the walls and they will become ashes. And I think of this quote;
I also always think of the lotus flower (I know, a tad cliche- Bare with me) The whole excitement over the lotus flower is that it blooms in mud. It's regarded as mystical. It's roots begin in the mud, then slowly it pushes it's way out of the mud and through the water where it blooms in the warm sunshine. That, in my opinion, is how a good, lasting relationship should look. It's starts off a tad rocky, you can't see where you're going. You may not know if you're even growing upwards. But at some point you figure out the sunshine is, indeed, in front of you and you need only push a little further. Then you reach the sunshine. The warm and nutrient sunshine. Then your relationship blossoms.
Now translate that over to a personal level. I, personally, have been through mud this last year. It's only been in the last month or so that I've entered the "water" stage. That's a purifying stage, I think. And I'm still in that. But I'm hoping that very soon, I will propel towards the sunlight. I see rays here and there. But it's fleeting. I want the full-blown heat of the sun. I want to blossom and bloom into the person I was created to be. I want my friendships to bloom in a way that they've never bloomed before.
The other stellar thing about the lotus flower? It has the potential to overrun it's aquatic environment. Like a boss. Once it reaches the sun, it just soars. It spreads all it's little seeds and they all grow and flourish and soon enough, what once was a muddy lake is covered with beautiful big flowers....Alright. Bring it on. I'm ready. I'm ready for relationships that are real. Raw and difficult. But out of that comes beauty. Out of the mud comes the blossom. That'll be me one day. And I really can't wait.
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